Change?

Sometimes one wonder about how another can be capable of loving when there is hate within. I use to ponder about that question and toy with the idea (of loving when there is hate). Now, i am starting to confuse myself. Everything has gone into this huge grey area. Am i thinking too much? Are my questions unnecessary? Am i writing scripts for others before anything has a chance to happen? What exactly are my fears? What exactly am i trying to do or prove? What happens next when one voices out their feelings? Are things going to change? Are people going to stop being critical?

I am not as simple minded as i seem to be. Nor am i as carefree as others think me to be. In fact, i am afraid of what others think of me. If i may compare myself to an animal, i feel like a porcupine. Protecting myself with sharp words and plans on how to step all over those that i feel are a threat to me. Mostly, i plan to crush them all with money. Show them that i have the ability and is not inferior to them (in any aspect) if not well surpassing them.

I love my job, my family, my pets, my dear dear, and my friends. But i conceal such hatred that i feel it engulfing me. Day by day, it grows in me. Fed by others' criticism and by my own self-reprimanding personality. Now, is it really possible for me to love when i hate myself so much?

Others say that i have changed. But have they realised that they had changed me with their critical personality? That every negative remark they make, is feeding my self hatred? They blame me for my change. But it is only human to see others' faults and blame them for it than to see our own and blame ourselves. Then again, who in this world would blame themselves for anything?